Growing into happiness

12:30 am on this Wednesday (pay day!) December 21. Hungray. I am HUNGRAYYYY! brb. back with half a muffin. gah processed food! oh oi hey arnold is on the television. 5 minutes later after the muffin's been devoured, my mind returns to him. Back-n-forth like Aaliyah, I go back-n-forth with feelings for him. One minute I'm unsure, another I'm thinking we'll be okay. He plays his game and I'm removing from technology. From specifics. From FB from youtube which has heightened my shopping addiction. Breaks, I need, I will take breaks from the two. I should know by now that focusing on one thing at once is best & this double chin and belly has got to bounce out. Hello Insanity DVDs I shall return later today. When the fcuk can I decorate the xmas tree. I don't want to discuss him because I'm not at a sure place with him. I don't want people to sense the discomfort so I lie because I don't want to talk about it. I shorten conversations about him because I want to deal on my own. Still sometimes I let few in on what I'm feeling just to see if I'm crazy. Mhm.  I am losing interest in basic things. I used to love doing my makeup, switched it up everyday. I'm so plain now. I fucking hate my weight. I got a lovely new camera in which only I can take photos of myself. Because I'm chunky I am! I've got to lose weight for my senior photos but more importantly for my sanity. I was doing well this summer then this damn knee surgery set me right back. And yu know what I will lose that weight. Another post about that. Excuse the lack of what is it? Ummm flow? Cohesiveness to this post? However it all relates to me so therefore it is all related. Like I'm pulling thoughts from my brain and i'm thinking faster than I can type. Typing can be better than writing since i'm faster at typing than writing. I feel slightly adhd. My happiness is somewhere hiding. Show yourself! Contentment has left me. That's my goal this break: Find my happiness.