Growing into happiness

12:30 am on this Wednesday (pay day!) December 21. Hungray. I am HUNGRAYYYY! brb. back with half a muffin. gah processed food! oh oi hey arnold is on the television. 5 minutes later after the muffin's been devoured, my mind returns to him. Back-n-forth like Aaliyah, I go back-n-forth with feelings for him. One minute I'm unsure, another I'm thinking we'll be okay. He plays his game and I'm removing from technology. From specifics. From FB from youtube which has heightened my shopping addiction. Breaks, I need, I will take breaks from the two. I should know by now that focusing on one thing at once is best & this double chin and belly has got to bounce out. Hello Insanity DVDs I shall return later today. When the fcuk can I decorate the xmas tree. I don't want to discuss him because I'm not at a sure place with him. I don't want people to sense the discomfort so I lie because I don't want to talk about it. I shorten conversations about him because I want to deal on my own. Still sometimes I let few in on what I'm feeling just to see if I'm crazy. Mhm.  I am losing interest in basic things. I used to love doing my makeup, switched it up everyday. I'm so plain now. I fucking hate my weight. I got a lovely new camera in which only I can take photos of myself. Because I'm chunky I am! I've got to lose weight for my senior photos but more importantly for my sanity. I was doing well this summer then this damn knee surgery set me right back. And yu know what I will lose that weight. Another post about that. Excuse the lack of what is it? Ummm flow? Cohesiveness to this post? However it all relates to me so therefore it is all related. Like I'm pulling thoughts from my brain and i'm thinking faster than I can type. Typing can be better than writing since i'm faster at typing than writing. I feel slightly adhd. My happiness is somewhere hiding. Show yourself! Contentment has left me. That's my goal this break: Find my happiness.

The Weeknd

The Weeknd will always bring a smile to my face. Good, pleasant memories. Currently spinning: Material Girl. He's the type of artist that you listen to and makes yu feel cross faded without a sip of alcohol or one hit of reefer. He's just that damn good. And the music is sweet addiction. Orgasmic even.

So onto this current guy. Hmm time will tell what I want & what I need. For now, I'm enjoying our conversations and soon I'll be enjoying his company.

Feeelll it novacane novacane

Um this weekend. Pretty laidback. My long time friend decides after a couple hits to the blunt to ask if I'd like to have sex now. Baffled I laugh close my eyes then leave his place. Never nah that will just not happen. Lesson learned 3 fcuking times so with him it's a no. I want that fuzzy feeling again, well I just want to have fun with a sexy dude. Superficial? Idgaf because I'm 21 and i'm livin' life havin' fun. I work 40 hours a week so my weekend is my muthatruckin weekend! bahaha And so yea it was a good weekend. Got my camera and today worked my ass off in the gym so them pounds need to slough right off.

Emotions Happen

Yu know that moment when yu wake up and realize what you've just done? Yea that was me oh about a week ago. That was me with him. I had just lost it, many many missed calls and about 4 doorbell rings later. Lost it. I've lost in in the past, in fcuking high school. I thought it had just left me. I thought I had self-control you know. But apparently I subconsciously had started to care, again. Fcuk again?? Hadn't he just confided in me a few days earlier?? Wtf. I was so disappointed in me. Now I've taken it in. Learning experience, he taught me about 3. Thanks I guess.