Quarter-Life Crisis.

Hi. I am 23 years old and have no fcuking clue what I want to do when I "grow up." I am adult right now am I? How do I define, how do you define adult? I used to define adult similarly how I defined being successful. It was about being financially independent. But I am finding that success if finding what your purpose is in life, fufilling that purpose, and knowing that you have a reason for being in this damn world that we're esxisting in.

When I spoke to a therapist yesterday, she said she feels I may fear letting go of my parents, and I need to think to myself what if they were not here, what would I be doing? I have reached their definition of success but what about mine? Why have I allowed myself to be defined by my parents? Because that is what you are "supposed" to do. WRONG. Maybe I did it because I had no fear of failing and knew I would not fail.

Here's what I need:

1. To know my work is meaningful
2. Be challenged to the point of not knowing how I made it thru but I did and I did it well
3. Working with people face-to-face
4. Constantly on the move
5. Constant change

And then maybe, just maybe I'll fel something. As of now, I am empty, envious and plain bored as fcuk.

Shit Does Happen

Eyyyy A.W. so I kind of like you, I kind of love yu and yea so love me back? Yea noooo. At this point I give up on men. They are the only thing that brings so much grief in my life. Too many times I'm like oh when I lose these 20 pounds and find me a man I'll be good. But I need to be good as I am right now. I have a Bachelor's degree, a great paying job with benefits, I can buy literally whatever I want, good health, man have God! Yes, God! It's hard to let him go but I must. Sanity gone. Security gone. Self confidence gone. Grief yes. Tears yes. Hate yes. It's all there and I'm going out of my mind for him. I was at my lowest in Seattle, and now it's like I can't be vulnerable I have to lock up my feelings and forget about them. Feelings only bring problems. I want to choke him and for him to cuddle me. It's nada now though. Time to give up. Oh September 17th, you were the worst day ever for me.

Welcome to a New Life!

Soo I have officially graduated college. I don't think I will digress much in this post but perhaps. Graduated and just arrived back from my travels abroad. I'm doing it seriously. Enjoying my life that is. So to me Welcome to a New Life!! No more books, studying, tests, useless teachers etc etc etc for some time. I'm back home with my parents and now that I've done everything i'm supposed to ( I did get a great paying job...), I want to do more of what I want. YouTube, Film production, nail art, more fun. Hmmm scares me a tad because I always have to come back to reality since I need stability. But I'm really getting to a great place in my life. My weight needs to change but after seeing what I could do last summer I KNOW I can get the body I want. Aside from that my life is about to be completely altered. Bills to pay, no more pressing issues from an organization I'm a part of. Just...life is about to set in. My friends, I wonder how this is going to work with my Black Nationalist attitude and their kind of "passive" ways I guess. This does puzzle me a bit as Alonzo pointed out would happen. We screamed Blackness and Amerikkka amongst my Black anteaters. But back home, I'm this Black "supremacist." My thoughts and beliefs are not radical. Simply the truth. America has done nothing for Black people that was not fought for. And no we should not have to fight for basic human rights. So people can hush with that bullshit. I'm at the point in my life I was so afraid of. Done with young adult years, I am officially an adult on July 20, the first day I start work and claim myself as independent. Crazy right?! 22 seemed so old before and here I am closer to 23 than 22. Just wow. I'm looking forward to an amazing life where I get down on the floor a few nights and just enjoy life. I really want to be freed. Like riding that scooter today, yea that feeling is amazing. I can't wait to redecorate my room and just finally do the shit I never had time to since I was so busy doing what I was supposed to do.

Growing into happiness

12:30 am on this Wednesday (pay day!) December 21. Hungray. I am HUNGRAYYYY! brb. back with half a muffin. gah processed food! oh oi hey arnold is on the television. 5 minutes later after the muffin's been devoured, my mind returns to him. Back-n-forth like Aaliyah, I go back-n-forth with feelings for him. One minute I'm unsure, another I'm thinking we'll be okay. He plays his game and I'm removing from technology. From specifics. From FB from youtube which has heightened my shopping addiction. Breaks, I need, I will take breaks from the two. I should know by now that focusing on one thing at once is best & this double chin and belly has got to bounce out. Hello Insanity DVDs I shall return later today. When the fcuk can I decorate the xmas tree. I don't want to discuss him because I'm not at a sure place with him. I don't want people to sense the discomfort so I lie because I don't want to talk about it. I shorten conversations about him because I want to deal on my own. Still sometimes I let few in on what I'm feeling just to see if I'm crazy. Mhm.  I am losing interest in basic things. I used to love doing my makeup, switched it up everyday. I'm so plain now. I fucking hate my weight. I got a lovely new camera in which only I can take photos of myself. Because I'm chunky I am! I've got to lose weight for my senior photos but more importantly for my sanity. I was doing well this summer then this damn knee surgery set me right back. And yu know what I will lose that weight. Another post about that. Excuse the lack of what is it? Ummm flow? Cohesiveness to this post? However it all relates to me so therefore it is all related. Like I'm pulling thoughts from my brain and i'm thinking faster than I can type. Typing can be better than writing since i'm faster at typing than writing. I feel slightly adhd. My happiness is somewhere hiding. Show yourself! Contentment has left me. That's my goal this break: Find my happiness.

The Weeknd

The Weeknd will always bring a smile to my face. Good, pleasant memories. Currently spinning: Material Girl. He's the type of artist that you listen to and makes yu feel cross faded without a sip of alcohol or one hit of reefer. He's just that damn good. And the music is sweet addiction. Orgasmic even.

So onto this current guy. Hmm time will tell what I want & what I need. For now, I'm enjoying our conversations and soon I'll be enjoying his company.

Feeelll it novacane novacane

Um this weekend. Pretty laidback. My long time friend decides after a couple hits to the blunt to ask if I'd like to have sex now. Baffled I laugh close my eyes then leave his place. Never nah that will just not happen. Lesson learned 3 fcuking times so with him it's a no. I want that fuzzy feeling again, well I just want to have fun with a sexy dude. Superficial? Idgaf because I'm 21 and i'm livin' life havin' fun. I work 40 hours a week so my weekend is my muthatruckin weekend! bahaha And so yea it was a good weekend. Got my camera and today worked my ass off in the gym so them pounds need to slough right off.

Emotions Happen

Yu know that moment when yu wake up and realize what you've just done? Yea that was me oh about a week ago. That was me with him. I had just lost it, many many missed calls and about 4 doorbell rings later. Lost it. I've lost in in the past, in fcuking high school. I thought it had just left me. I thought I had self-control you know. But apparently I subconsciously had started to care, again. Fcuk again?? Hadn't he just confided in me a few days earlier?? Wtf. I was so disappointed in me. Now I've taken it in. Learning experience, he taught me about 3. Thanks I guess.